I want to be FREE

Do you feel intimidated by the things that surround you?

Are you responsive to what others might think of you?

Would you get disappointed if I say you look terrible right now?

Since when I was a little kid, I have been aware of others’ emotions, opinions, actions, and behaviors. I observed people carefully, but not even trying to do so. Just naturally. I thought to myself that I was the one who had to serve others. “My responsibility!” I needed to suppress my emotions to make people around me happy or just not upset. I did not want anything in return for serving my self-defined duty. But yeah, as you can imagine, I had this big hole in my mind that devastatingly wasted my identity. I did not know who I was, what I wanted to do, or even what to think. It’s all because I defined my doings by others’. What I had been doing until then was not what I wanted but what others wanted. The problem is that those people did not ask me to assist in their endeavors. I just followed them for no reason. How can one live by others’ thoughts, goals, opinions, and wishes? Maybe I just wanted to live, you know? To live a life in whichever way, no matter what. But, the end signaled me that I had not been living my life.

Okay, then. Let’s formulate what life is to me. It’s like a noodle. We know one end that we start with and the other one that we will end with. It’s like an equation. We know the problem also the solution. But, the thing is we don’t know the route in between. The shape of the noodle and the method for solving that equation, which could be anything. So, what makes my life worth living is the feeling I get from it. Either pleasant or unpleasant, the feelings I get from living today make me stay up for tomorrow.

But, at one point, I just didn’t get the things going on in my life. I would be here and there doing something not significant. Pointless to be frank. Grabbing up my phone to watch k-pop at the instance of realizing the state of my mind demanding nothing. I just don’t like to feel the absence in my mind. I hate the feeling of not knowing what to do. I might have been struggling a lot because I forced myself to stop being a follower. Then, it might have separated me from my longstanding duty of serving others. Now, I’m free of duties I had before, which unfortunately has not led to a better outcome. Still having a song play in my head after a long watch day of YouTube, I lay in my bed declaring a boycott while thanking the group (BTS) that has helped me realize my reality.

From now on, I’ll start searching my dream and life goals while being honest to myself. I won’t ever have expectations about myself and others to save myself from being disappointed and helpless. Any assumptions not based on truth would be strictly prohibited in my mind. Hereby, I attempt to make myself free from everything, just like a pebble thrown out to the sea it originated from.

What is it like to be an independent individual? Does it feel good? What would it like to be ignorant of others’ thoughts about me? Would it be relieving?

Let me come back to this note when I have something to tell in response to these questions.