All the air you breathe out is already paradise.

Today was a usual day. I’ve spent the day with my family and studying a little bit. And the day is going to end in 2 hours.

But, I want more from the day than I’ve actually worked for it. My mind and actions do not cooperate at all. I always tell myself that I need to become a competent person once I graduate from college. I should not be less than the others. It is something that my inner person or my perception of others’ expectations tells me to do: “I have to be competent.”

However, where do my actions point toward? Am I really trying to improve? Is it what I want to live for? I actually don’t know. I know for sure that I am feeling uneasiness and reluctance when I sit to study these days. Thoughts like, “Why am I so weak and cowardly?” “I am such a fool,” “Hope this semester ends soon,” and “I would like to rest” go around my head all the time. Does it mean that I am not doing what I want to do?

I don’t have a dream right now. I had one when I was in high school — to go to the U.S. I also had another one in middle school — to build the biggest chain of department stores, just like Macy’s. The one in my elementary school was space travel. Yes, I achieved my recent dream. But, what about the others? Did I lose them somewhere? Or did it change? If so, how? Because of this, I have not been praising myself for a long time. What’s the point of being proud of someone who lacks dreams and goals? Hmm…

Then, what struck me was a song that I came across today. It says, “All the air you breathe out is already paradise,” “It is alright not to have a dream if you feel happiness from the moments you have,” and “Stop running for nothing, my friend.”

Yeah, I agree. I need to admit that I don’t have to strive to achieve what I don’t want. It just creates an illusion that can block my sight for a long time. If I don't have a dream, I should appreciate what I have and am doing right now. If I take it easy and don’t make myself go through such illusional hard times, I might be able to get a new dream sooner or later.

Forgiving and loving myself is exactly what I need to do.

But, I know doing so is not easy.

12/1/2020